We imagine major life transitions long before they come to fruition; from managing the freedom of getting your drivers license, leaving for college, to getting married, bringing a baby home from the hospital, sending the adult version of that baby to college, becoming an empty nester, retiring… our lives are filled with major transitions. While often being exciting and long anticipated, in the throes of a major transition, life can feel chaotic, leaving you struggling with your identity in your new circumstances. Transitions are also often a time where families find themselves in conflict while each member works to adjust to the shock to the family system. The good news is anyone going through a major transition can take a few actions for bigger chances of reducing the growing pains of adapting yourself to new conditions.

Maintain Flexible Expectations

Cue an image in your mind of a little girl playing in a wedding dress. She has a long time to picture what her wedding day will look like and grows up holding on to an expectation. This long period of dress rehearsing this life transition can put a lot of pressure for that season in her life to look a certain way. Giving yourself flexible expectations can allow for some room to find joy in the ups and downs that come with  preparation, rather than comparing to a fixed idea of exactly how the transition “should” look. Especially in the age of social media, people find themselves compared with unrealistic expectations and lose the opportunity to appreciate the life that they are living. By working to be flexible in your expectations you may find that you are able to navigate the transition in a healthier, more meaningful, and joy-filled way.

Allow Space for Conflicting Emotions

We don’t just have expectations of what these events will look like, we also anticipate what they will feel like. It is important to give yourself and your family members grace by allowing space for conflicting emotions. You are allowed to be excited, scared, overwhelmed, and happy all at once. First time parents learn this quickly. They may feel pressure to only feel thankful about what a blessing their new addition is to the family, but they are also often faced with feelings of inadequacy, fear, and “what the heck just happened?!”  When we allow ourselves the space to experience conflicting emotions, we are also able to give our spouses, kids, and parents that same permission to feel what they feel. This freedom relieves pressure that naturally comes from long established expectations.

Utilize Support

Good stress is still stress, and transitions are stress-filled. It doesn’t matter how long we have to prepare ourselves for transitions, they are hard and it is important to have support. This may mean seeking support outside of your family since they are also facing the same conflicting emotions at their own pace. A family experiencing a child launching and going to college is a huge transition that can illicit many different emotions from each family member. While it is healthy to communicate your thoughts and emotional experiences with family members, it can also be challenging since they are right there in the thick of it with you. It can be reassuring and stress-reducing  to seek support and process the transition with others not directly involved. Options may include family friends who are a couple steps ahead in their transitions, church family, or even extended family.  It is also a common time people find support in a counseling setting to process the season of change.

Find Stabilizers

Major life transitions can make you feel a huge shift in identity that can leave your life feeling foreign and unsteady. There is security and peace to be found in stabilizers. Stabilizers are activities or routines that do not change despite what change you’re going through. Many newly retired adults face struggle with their identity as their routines and rhythms of life change. Finding stabilizers may help feel more secure in their new phase of life. A stabilizer can be as simple as watching the sunset, or as specific as hosting Taco Tuesday and a game night with their neighbors. Stabilizers are grounding and give those in transition something safe and familiar to comfort them during the changes they are experiencing.

Transitions are inevitable; and while they can be scary and difficult, they also bring us new experiences that help enrich our lives and give us an opportunity to build closer connections with ourselves and those around us. I hope the tips above help you and your family better adapt to the next major change your family faces.