It’s hard to pour into your kid when you’re getting slammed doors, and dismissive attitudes all the time. It’s hard to experience disrespect and see the need behind it.

You want to be close with your teen but there’s no magic trick to get things to improve these dynamics overnight. Sometimes relationships are like a muscle you have to rehab after injury.

You already know about empathy, so let’s get there first.

What was your own adolescence like? Amazing? Not for me.

Teens carry a stigma. You know how much content I’ve seen where the keyword teen is paired with images of bottles of wine and frozen margaritas? They’re constantly bombarded with the message that they are a burden.

I think a lot of parents believe the stereotype that teenagers are generally too impulsive and irrational to make good choices. This fails to recognize that teenagers are in a critical stage of development, where they are learning and growing through their experiences. While they may make mistakes along the way, this is a natural part of the learning process and should not be seen as a reflection of their character.

When teenagers are constantly labeled as irresponsible or immature, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, which we know could lead to more serious mental health issues. Furthermore, the stigma against teenagers can lead to a lack of opportunities and resources for them. If adults view teenagers as troublemakers, they may be less likely to invest in their education or provide them with opportunities for personal growth.

It’s sad – and they know it. And they feel it. You do too.

I don’t think it has to be a pipe dream to enjoy a close relationship with your teen.

Should we talk about hormones? No. Let’s just take these circumstances we just laid out and dip them in hormone sauce. We don’t need to unpack that, we’re adults, we’ve been there – it’s difficult.

We all expect our children to aim high and do their best with a great attitude, and we should!
So when your teen walks around the house with this cloud of dismissal over their head, there’s reason to ask yourself if the attitude they’re giving is even about you or whether or not they respect you. The good news about that is that you may not be as distant as you think!

But let’s manage some expectations first:

What does closeness look like?

It’s not the whole family home with you every night playing scrabble and telling secrets.

Maybe the quantity of time is less, but what’s the quality of interaction?

If you want to start reconnecting with your teen, remember that their world is expanding and it’s confusing and as parents of children learning to become adults, we should factor in that if we need to be a secure base for them to grow, we have to try hard to not internalize their behaviors. Don’t go to war against your teen when they are already at war with everything else – be on their team, be available, be firm but be generous with your patience.

The moment you’re able to recognize when you’re not the real target of your teen’s frustration, (although sometimes you may be) you’ll be able to recondition the hard interactions into opportunities to empathize, listen, connect, and enjoy the relationship.